1.
A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself.As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, “what's the matter?”The Blonde Guy replies, “well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well… I can't tell them apartI don't know if I'm mixing up r
A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself.As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, “what's the matter?”The Blonde Guy replies, “well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well… I can't tell them apartI don't know if I'm mixing up r
2.
Young boy gets suspended from school.
His mother was furious, and yelled ” “What did you do this time?!”
The boy said all I did was tell a joke.
He said he told the joke to his friends in class, and they laughed so hard they pooped their pants.
Young boy gets suspended from school.
His mother was furious, and yelled ” “What did you do this time?!”
The boy said all I did was tell a joke.
He said he told the joke to his friends in class, and they laughed so hard they pooped their pants.
3.
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed.As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you c
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed.As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you c
4.
“I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”The old rancher says, “Okay, but don't go in that field over there.”The agent verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”Reaching into his rear pant p
“I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”The old rancher says, “Okay, but don't go in that field over there.”The agent verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”Reaching into his rear pant p
5.
One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people's problems – I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”The others nodded in agreementSuddenly, one of the
One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people's problems – I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”The others nodded in agreementSuddenly, one of the
6.
Hi Men's Helpline,I really need your advice on a serious problem:I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.I try to stay
Hi Men's Helpline,I really need your advice on a serious problem:I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.I try to stay
7.
An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.
The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made.
“This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly th
An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.
The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made.
“This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly th
8.
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”Me: “I assure you, I did not drink anything.”Officer: “Okay, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a high
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”Me: “I assure you, I did not drink anything.”Officer: “Okay, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a high
9.
The bartender said, “You can't bring that monkey in here!”The man said, “Don't worry, he won't cause any trouble.”Within seconds the monkey jumped on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball.The bartender yelled, “Hey, he just ate my cue ballNo one can p
The bartender said, “You can't bring that monkey in here!”The man said, “Don't worry, he won't cause any trouble.”Within seconds the monkey jumped on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball.The bartender yelled, “Hey, he just ate my cue ballNo one can p
10.
The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:‘The tender one'‘The amazing one'‘Lady of my dreams,She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.Then she called the second number to which his sister replied.When she
The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:‘The tender one'‘The amazing one'‘Lady of my dreams,She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.Then she called the second number to which his sister replied.When she
11.
The pastor stood before the congregation and said;“I have bad news, I have good news, and I have more bad news.”The congregation got quiet.“The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!” the pastor said.The congregation groaned.“The good news is: we have
The pastor stood before the congregation and said;“I have bad news, I have good news, and I have more bad news.”The congregation got quiet.“The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!” the pastor said.The congregation groaned.“The good news is: we have
12.
The doctor and his wife were playing golf at the club and she drove a 300-yard tee shot straight down the fairway.
The doctor said Wow I have never seen you play this well before!
Marie says I took lessons.
A couple of days later on the tennis co
The doctor and his wife were playing golf at the club and she drove a 300-yard tee shot straight down the fairway.
The doctor said Wow I have never seen you play this well before!
Marie says I took lessons.
A couple of days later on the tennis co
13.
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says,“Please come over here and help meI have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.”Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it's finished?”The little silver-haired
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says,“Please come over here and help meI have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.”Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it's finished?”The little silver-haired
14.
Two blondes were exiting a restaurant when they discovered, to their horror, that they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, “What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?” The other one replied, “No, people will
Two blondes were exiting a restaurant when they discovered, to their horror, that they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, “What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?” The other one replied, “No, people will
15.
Fred was very old, sick, and doctors said he would not l and dying.
There was an elderly man at home in his bed, dying.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen downstairs, and he wanted one last cookie befor
Fred was very old, sick, and doctors said he would not l and dying.
There was an elderly man at home in his bed, dying.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen downstairs, and he wanted one last cookie befor
16.
Hints on how to liven up your idle hours to maintain a healthy level of insanity:1At lunch time, sit In your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing carswatch them slow down.2On all your cheque stubs, write “For Marijuana”3Skip dow
Hints on how to liven up your idle hours to maintain a healthy level of insanity:1At lunch time, sit In your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing carswatch them slow down.2On all your cheque stubs, write “For Marijuana”3Skip dow
17.
3 men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the roug
3 men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the roug
18.
… something that this captain knows all too well.A ship was travelling in a dangerous part of the sea. The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”The crew brings him his red shirt, h
… something that this captain knows all too well.A ship was travelling in a dangerous part of the sea. The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”The crew brings him his red shirt, h
19.
A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged chicken.He accelerated and passed the chicken.Three minutes later the chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph.The man tried to catch the chicken but it ran down a side road
A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged chicken.He accelerated and passed the chicken.Three minutes later the chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph.The man tried to catch the chicken but it ran down a side road
20.
A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charityThe local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet.They go to his door and he answers, “What do you want?”One of t
A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charityThe local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet.They go to his door and he answers, “What do you want?”One of t
21.
… and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the m
… and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the m
22.
“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?”“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied“It's not polite.”“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”“Now really,” the mother says, “Those are personal questions and
“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?”“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied“It's not polite.”“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”“Now really,” the mother says, “Those are personal questions and
23.
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to town in search of one in her size.
She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie,
“Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?”
The clerk haughtily re
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to town in search of one in her size.
She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie,
“Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?”
The clerk haughtily re
24.
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany.I assumed that most Germans would speak English.But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue–including the ticket inspector on the train.He punched my ticket, then
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany.I assumed that most Germans would speak English.But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue–including the ticket inspector on the train.He punched my ticket, then
25.
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.The doctor asked the man,“Do you smoke or drink?”“No,” he replied,“I've never done either.”“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? ” inquired the doctor.“No, I've never do
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.The doctor asked the man,“Do you smoke or drink?”“No,” he replied,“I've never done either.”“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? ” inquired the doctor.“No, I've never do
26.
A Florida officer pulls over an eighty-six-year-old blonde woman because her hand signals were confusing.
“First you put your hand up, like you’re turning right, then you wave your hand up and down, then you turn left,” said the officer.
“I decided
A Florida officer pulls over an eighty-six-year-old blonde woman because her hand signals were confusing.
“First you put your hand up, like you’re turning right, then you wave your hand up and down, then you turn left,” said the officer.
“I decided
27.
A farmer had five female pigsTimes were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them:At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigsAfter talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.The farmers
A farmer had five female pigsTimes were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them:At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigsAfter talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.The farmers
28.
An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store with her espresso when she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind th
An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store with her espresso when she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind th
29.
The teacher asked all the students to write an essay on the subject My Pet.
The next day she started checking the homework of everyone.
After checking Little Johnny’s essay teacher asked him,
“Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as y
The teacher asked all the students to write an essay on the subject My Pet.
The next day she started checking the homework of everyone.
After checking Little Johnny’s essay teacher asked him,
“Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as y
30.
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be tot
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be tot
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Eng Jokes
