1.
A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night:
He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.
He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one ont
A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night:
He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.
He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one ont
2.
A businessman was in big troubleHe had put everything into his business, and now it was failing.It was so bad he was even contemplating suicideAs a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.When he had finished, the priest
A businessman was in big troubleHe had put everything into his business, and now it was failing.It was so bad he was even contemplating suicideAs a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.When he had finished, the priest
3.
An older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring.She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said, “Hello, I'm a Jehovah's Witness, do you have a moment to discuss
An older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring.She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said, “Hello, I'm a Jehovah's Witness, do you have a moment to discuss
4.
A newlywed couple moves into their new houseOne day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”The husband says, “What do I look like, MrPlumber?”A few days
A newlywed couple moves into their new houseOne day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”The husband says, “What do I look like, MrPlumber?”A few days
5.
A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent.The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.“No laundry” the boy said, “I'm going to wash my dog.”“Bu
A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent.The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.“No laundry” the boy said, “I'm going to wash my dog.”“Bu
6.
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby.All of her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.When they ask to see the baby, the new mom says, “Not yet!” A little later, they ask to see the baby agai
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby.All of her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.When they ask to see the baby, the new mom says, “Not yet!” A little later, they ask to see the baby agai
7.
Jerry was at a marriage seminar, and the leader of the seminar, a lady, was asking everybody how long they were married for.When it was Jerry's turn Jerry said that he was married for almost 50 years.“Wow,” the leader gushed, “that's amazing, perhaps you
Jerry was at a marriage seminar, and the leader of the seminar, a lady, was asking everybody how long they were married for.When it was Jerry's turn Jerry said that he was married for almost 50 years.“Wow,” the leader gushed, “that's amazing, perhaps you
8.
Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling ver
Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling ver
9.
After their baby was born, the panicked Jewish father went to see the obstetrician Dr. Cohen.
“Doctor,” Mr. Spiegel said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,”
After their baby was born, the panicked Jewish father went to see the obstetrician Dr. Cohen.
“Doctor,” Mr. Spiegel said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,”
10.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.“I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menuJust bring me a dirty fork from a previous customerI'll smell it and
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.“I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menuJust bring me a dirty fork from a previous customerI'll smell it and
11.
… and he was eager to show it off to all his colleagues.He parked by the side of the road and opened the driver's side door, when all of a sudden an eighteen-wheeler truck came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with it.“NOOO! My Jaguar, m
… and he was eager to show it off to all his colleagues.He parked by the side of the road and opened the driver's side door, when all of a sudden an eighteen-wheeler truck came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with it.“NOOO! My Jaguar, m
12.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.One of the hillbillies looks at her
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.One of the hillbillies looks at her
13.
One day, an elderly man Jimmy was walking down Main Street when he saw his old buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.“Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!”“Mary gave it to me,” Bubba replied.“She gave it to you? I k
One day, an elderly man Jimmy was walking down Main Street when he saw his old buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.“Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!”“Mary gave it to me,” Bubba replied.“She gave it to you? I k
14.
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner:The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked“If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner:The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked“If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead
15.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
16.
Little Mary was not the best student in school. Usually, she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
“Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”
When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seat
Little Mary was not the best student in school. Usually, she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
“Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”
When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seat
17.
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said,“We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute.Insurance doesn't work
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said,“We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute.Insurance doesn't work
18.
The owner tells him he has good news and bad news.“The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass awa
The owner tells him he has good news and bad news.“The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass awa
19.
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said, “You just had breakfast?”“Yes.” she replied.“Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummyOur body takes all the good stuff it needs from out of the food then what's l
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said, “You just had breakfast?”“Yes.” she replied.“Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummyOur body takes all the good stuff it needs from out of the food then what's l
20.
On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the cheerful-looking bartender and asks for his favourite premium beer.
“Certainly, sir. That’ll be 1 cent.”
“One single penny?!” exclaimed the man.
The barman replied,
“Yes
On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the cheerful-looking bartender and asks for his favourite premium beer.
“Certainly, sir. That’ll be 1 cent.”
“One single penny?!” exclaimed the man.
The barman replied,
“Yes
21.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The lawyer
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The lawyer
22.
An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store with her espresso when she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind th
An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store with her espresso when she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind th
23.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course,
I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lo
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course,
I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lo
24.
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”Me: “I assure you, I did not drink anything.”Officer: “Okay, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a high
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”Me: “I assure you, I did not drink anything.”Officer: “Okay, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a high
25.
We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married.My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it's a really good idea!My girlfriend?She is a dream!But there is something that bothers me! This something is
We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married.My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it's a really good idea!My girlfriend?She is a dream!But there is something that bothers me! This something is
26.
A woman walks into the City Centralist office, trailed by 15 kids .. “WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says
A woman walks into the City Centralist office, trailed by 15 kids .. “WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says
27.
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,
“What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.
While he doesn
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,
“What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.
While he doesn
28.
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.After a lengthy sitti
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.After a lengthy sitti
29.
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friendsEvery day they would sit together to eat their lunchThey discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friendsEvery day they would sit together to eat their lunchThey discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until
30.
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist,
“May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?” She is shocked.
“Why would you want something like that?”
The man calmly tells her,
“I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover.”
The phar
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist,
“May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?” She is shocked.
“Why would you want something like that?”
The man calmly tells her,
“I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover.”
The phar
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Eng Jokes
