1.
A Neo-Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, “A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there.”
As everyone in the bar receives thei
A Neo-Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, “A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there.”
As everyone in the bar receives thei
2.
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said,“We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute.Insurance doesn't work
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said,“We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute.Insurance doesn't work
3.
The Father said, “Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye MrsDonovan? And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?”She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Father.”The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?”She replied, “No, not yet, Father.”The
The Father said, “Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye MrsDonovan? And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?”She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Father.”The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?”She replied, “No, not yet, Father.”The
4.
Reaching the end of a job interview the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,“And what starting salary are you looking for?”The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending
Reaching the end of a job interview the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,“And what starting salary are you looking for?”The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending
5.
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. “Sir,” she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons o
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. “Sir,” she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons o
6.
Fred was very old, sick, and doctors said he would not l and dying.
There was an elderly man at home in his bed, dying.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen downstairs, and he wanted one last cookie befor
Fred was very old, sick, and doctors said he would not l and dying.
There was an elderly man at home in his bed, dying.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen downstairs, and he wanted one last cookie befor
7.
… after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.“You see, ” Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and i
… after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.“You see, ” Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and i
8.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.“I got my first impression
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.“I got my first impression
9.
As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders.The man said, “I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke.”Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, “What's yours?”“I'll have the same,” said the ostrich.A short time later the waitress return
As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders.The man said, “I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke.”Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, “What's yours?”“I'll have the same,” said the ostrich.A short time later the waitress return
10.
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
“But
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
“But
11.
A man who drank alot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”.
Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife w
A man who drank alot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”.
Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife w
12.
Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn’t show up.
Fred didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Russ
Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn’t show up.
Fred didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Russ
13.
The pastor stood before the congregation and said;“I have bad news, I have good news, and I have more bad news.”The congregation got quiet.“The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!” the pastor said.The congregation groaned.“The good news is: we have
The pastor stood before the congregation and said;“I have bad news, I have good news, and I have more bad news.”The congregation got quiet.“The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!” the pastor said.The congregation groaned.“The good news is: we have
14.
There was a little old lady who was suffering from a degenerative eye condition that had left her nearly blind.She had three sons, and each wanted to prove that he loved her more than the others.Son 1 bought her an expensive Mercedes, with a chauffeur inc
There was a little old lady who was suffering from a degenerative eye condition that had left her nearly blind.She had three sons, and each wanted to prove that he loved her more than the others.Son 1 bought her an expensive Mercedes, with a chauffeur inc
15.
Four married guys go fishingAfter an hour, the following conversation took place:First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekendI had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”Seco
Four married guys go fishingAfter an hour, the following conversation took place:First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekendI had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”Seco
16.
The Lamaze class was in full swing.The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.“Ladies, exercise is good for you,” announced the teacher“Walking is esp
The Lamaze class was in full swing.The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.“Ladies, exercise is good for you,” announced the teacher“Walking is esp
17.
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth!”The man said, “No pro
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth!”The man said, “No pro
18.
Moses, Jesus, and an old man were enjoying a friendly round of golf together.
Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap.
Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the gree
Moses, Jesus, and an old man were enjoying a friendly round of golf together.
Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap.
Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the gree
19.
Eliza says to the other two, “You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversaryA lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings.”“How wonderful!” Josephine says.Isabelle responds, “That's nice, real nice.”Josephine t
Eliza says to the other two, “You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversaryA lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings.”“How wonderful!” Josephine says.Isabelle responds, “That's nice, real nice.”Josephine t
20.
One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay, what's your name?”“I'm Phil and I'm OK thanks,” I replied.“Phil, forget yo
One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay, what's your name?”“I'm Phil and I'm OK thanks,” I replied.“Phil, forget yo
21.
He asked the preacher if he could participate in the door-to-door selling of bibles.The preacher agreed, but knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.The following day the young man returned asking for more.The preacher ga
He asked the preacher if he could participate in the door-to-door selling of bibles.The preacher agreed, but knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.The following day the young man returned asking for more.The preacher ga
22.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery,and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.“Yes Dad, what is it?”“Don't be nervous, son; do your
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery,and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.“Yes Dad, what is it?”“Don't be nervous, son; do your
23.
The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What's the problem, officer?”Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”Wife: “Oh, HarryYou were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)Officer: “I'm also
The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What's the problem, officer?”Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”Wife: “Oh, HarryYou were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)Officer: “I'm also
24.
One is a member of the Gestapo. One is an Imperial Japanese officer. And one is a Fascist Italian Commander.They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated.The German says, “My superior German s
One is a member of the Gestapo. One is an Imperial Japanese officer. And one is a Fascist Italian Commander.They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated.The German says, “My superior German s
25.
“I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”The old rancher says, “Okay, but don't go in that field over there.”The agent verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”Reaching into his rear pant p
“I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”The old rancher says, “Okay, but don't go in that field over there.”The agent verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”Reaching into his rear pant p
26.
This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go Camping With His FriendsThen This HappensA few days before the group's annual departure date, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.Jack's fishing buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what
This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go Camping With His FriendsThen This HappensA few days before the group's annual departure date, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.Jack's fishing buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what
27.
Magic WordsAs a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scr
Magic WordsAs a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scr
28.
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said angrily, “Maybe I'll just go out and cat
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said angrily, “Maybe I'll just go out and cat
29.
A schoolteacher used to take a short nap every afternoon.When his pupils asked him why he did so, he said that he went to dreamland to meet ancient sages.One extremely hot day some of the pupils fell asleep in the afternoon.When the school-teacher chided
A schoolteacher used to take a short nap every afternoon.When his pupils asked him why he did so, he said that he went to dreamland to meet ancient sages.One extremely hot day some of the pupils fell asleep in the afternoon.When the school-teacher chided
30.
At work, Tom and Jack were chatting:Tom: Jack, I've been attending evening classes for 8 months now and I have a test next month.Jack: oh!Tom: For example, do you know who is Thomas Edison?Jack: NoTom: He's the inventor of the light bulb; if you take even
At work, Tom and Jack were chatting:Tom: Jack, I've been attending evening classes for 8 months now and I have a test next month.Jack: oh!Tom: For example, do you know who is Thomas Edison?Jack: NoTom: He's the inventor of the light bulb; if you take even
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Eng Jokes
