1.
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’
So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’ “In
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’
So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’ “In
2.
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photogra
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photogra
3.
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.”“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second“But then eve
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.”“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second“But then eve
4.
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”“Yes, Father, it is.”“And who was the girl you were with?”“I can't tell you, FatherI don't want to ruin her reputation.”“Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell m
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”“Yes, Father, it is.”“And who was the girl you were with?”“I can't tell you, FatherI don't want to ruin her reputation.”“Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell m
5.
I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.
I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn’t think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says, “Ribbit. 9- Iron”.
I looked around and didn’t s
I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.
I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn’t think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says, “Ribbit. 9- Iron”.
I looked around and didn’t s
6.
A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet.He held up a sign which said: “I am blind, please help.”There were only a few coins in the hat. A man was walking by.He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat.He th
A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet.He held up a sign which said: “I am blind, please help.”There were only a few coins in the hat. A man was walking by.He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat.He th
7.
An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets.
The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.
He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!” “I’m sorry,” The girl tells
An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets.
The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.
He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!” “I’m sorry,” The girl tells
8.
They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day.When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor.“Whoops,” he says and turns to the waiter, “I'm terribly sorry but could I have another…”The
They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day.When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor.“Whoops,” he says and turns to the waiter, “I'm terribly sorry but could I have another…”The
9.
A poor slave, ill-treated by his master, runs away to the forest.
There he comes across a lion in pain because of a thorn in his paw.
The slave bravely goes forward and removes the thorn gently.
The lion without hurting him goes away.
Some day
A poor slave, ill-treated by his master, runs away to the forest.
There he comes across a lion in pain because of a thorn in his paw.
The slave bravely goes forward and removes the thorn gently.
The lion without hurting him goes away.
Some day
10.
A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US…
… and after a base hit, he hears the fans roaring, “Run… Run!”
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, “R-
A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US…
… and after a base hit, he hears the fans roaring, “Run… Run!”
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, “R-
11.
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood.Every Friday The Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks.So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism.Finally, after many threats
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood.Every Friday The Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks.So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism.Finally, after many threats
12.
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.Ma says,“Why don't you go ask the young
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.Ma says,“Why don't you go ask the young
13.
The priest says, “Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land” and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situatio
The priest says, “Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land” and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situatio
14.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sa
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sa
15.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 betThe bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patronAnyone who could squeeze one more drop
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 betThe bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patronAnyone who could squeeze one more drop
16.
She ended the letter saying she preferred accommodation as close as possible to a WC.You anglophones will recognize WC as a water closet or toilet. The Swiss innkeeper was not that well acquainted with English, so he took the letter to his friend the par
She ended the letter saying she preferred accommodation as close as possible to a WC.You anglophones will recognize WC as a water closet or toilet. The Swiss innkeeper was not that well acquainted with English, so he took the letter to his friend the par
17.
Dave and his wife were working in their garden one day when Dave looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really bigI bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then w
Dave and his wife were working in their garden one day when Dave looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really bigI bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then w
18.
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't mis
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't mis
19.
Wife: Doing her makeup early morning straight out from BedHusband: Are you crazyWife: Just shut up, I need to unlock my phone.Its on face recognition feature and it is not recognizing me.Husband: Laughing Loudly
Wife: Doing her makeup early morning straight out from BedHusband: Are you crazyWife: Just shut up, I need to unlock my phone.Its on face recognition feature and it is not recognizing me.Husband: Laughing Loudly
20.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did w
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did w
21.
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher.She was going around in turn asking them all questions.“Davy, what noise does a cow make?”“It goes moo.”“Alice, what noise does a cat make?”“It goes meow.”“Jamie, what sound does a lamb
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher.She was going around in turn asking them all questions.“Davy, what noise does a cow make?”“It goes moo.”“Alice, what noise does a cat make?”“It goes meow.”“Jamie, what sound does a lamb
22.
“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?”“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied“It's not polite.”“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”“Now really,” the mother says, “Those are personal questions and
“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?”“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied“It's not polite.”“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”“Now really,” the mother says, “Those are personal questions and
23.
He was hooked on trees his whole life.2Why was Santa's little helper depressed?Because he had very low elf esteem.3What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat?Hits a gnome and runs.4What do you call a broke Santa Claus?Saint-nickel-less.5. What do you cal
He was hooked on trees his whole life.2Why was Santa's little helper depressed?Because he had very low elf esteem.3What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat?Hits a gnome and runs.4What do you call a broke Santa Claus?Saint-nickel-less.5. What do you cal
24.
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.
A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.
A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on
25.
So he does this for her Birthday, much to her dismaySince her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.“I'd like to be six again”, She replied, still looking in the mirror.On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, m
So he does this for her Birthday, much to her dismaySince her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.“I'd like to be six again”, She replied, still looking in the mirror.On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, m
26.
Mr. and Mrs Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely.
One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”
“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her elde
Mr. and Mrs Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely.
One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”
“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her elde
27.
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatche
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatche
28.
The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war.The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins.He got to a phone and called her right away.“Oh honey, I'm so happy,” he said“Who took you to the hospital?”“Yo
The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war.The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins.He got to a phone and called her right away.“Oh honey, I'm so happy,” he said“Who took you to the hospital?”“Yo
29.
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautifulShe left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistakeHe thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.So he knocked on the door to cla
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautifulShe left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistakeHe thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.So he knocked on the door to cla
30.
… after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.“You see, ” Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and i
… after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.“You see, ” Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and i
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Eng Jokes
