1.
All three sit down at the barThe bartender looks at the man and says, “What'll ya have?”The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I'll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I'm only gonna pay half price.”The bartender serves up four b
All three sit down at the barThe bartender looks at the man and says, “What'll ya have?”The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I'll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I'm only gonna pay half price.”The bartender serves up four b
2.
Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store.Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but grandmother said that they had to stop in the ladies clothing department first.He obviously couldn't wait that long, and the next t
Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store.Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but grandmother said that they had to stop in the ladies clothing department first.He obviously couldn't wait that long, and the next t
3.
Paddy was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuitThe prosecutor opened his questioning with,“Where were you the night of August 24th?”“Objection!” said the defense attorney“Irrelevant!”“Oh, that's okay,” said the Paddy from the witness stand
Paddy was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuitThe prosecutor opened his questioning with,“Where were you the night of August 24th?”“Objection!” said the defense attorney“Irrelevant!”“Oh, that's okay,” said the Paddy from the witness stand
4.
Nasrudin is walking past a cave when he sees a yogi, deep in meditation, and he asks the yogi what he is searching forThe yogi says:‘I study the animals and have learned many lessons from them that can transform a man's life.'‘A fish once saved my life,'
Nasrudin is walking past a cave when he sees a yogi, deep in meditation, and he asks the yogi what he is searching forThe yogi says:‘I study the animals and have learned many lessons from them that can transform a man's life.'‘A fish once saved my life,'
5.
Two friends are walking their dogs, a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua, when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.
The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”
But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in
Two friends are walking their dogs, a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua, when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.
The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”
But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in
6.
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on itIn order the figures were:A Woman. A Donkey. A Shovel. A Fish. A Star of David.After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the lea
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on itIn order the figures were:A Woman. A Donkey. A Shovel. A Fish. A Star of David.After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the lea
7.
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and forcefully drags him into his office. The zookeeper then explains to the m
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and forcefully drags him into his office. The zookeeper then explains to the m
8.
A young couple with a box of c*ndoms proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six c*ndoms remaining in the box of 12,
so she asked him,
“What happened to the other five condoms?”
His nervous
A young couple with a box of c*ndoms proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six c*ndoms remaining in the box of 12,
so she asked him,
“What happened to the other five condoms?”
His nervous
9.
Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them.“I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked.The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man hi
Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them.“I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked.The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man hi
10.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pensionYesterday someone stole my purseIt
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pensionYesterday someone stole my purseIt
11.
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they wer
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they wer
12.
A man calls home to his wife and says,
“Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We’ll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you
A man calls home to his wife and says,
“Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We’ll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you
13.
Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted “God save Scotland!”
The English man jumped off and shouted “God Save England!”
The Sumo
Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted “God save Scotland!”
The English man jumped off and shouted “God Save England!”
The Sumo
14.
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife cant hear him.How bad is it? the doctor asks.I have no idea, the husband says.Well, please test herStand 20 feet away from her and say something.If she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thin
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife cant hear him.How bad is it? the doctor asks.I have no idea, the husband says.Well, please test herStand 20 feet away from her and say something.If she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thin
15.
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each…The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.The man bought thousands at $10
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each…The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.The man bought thousands at $10
16.
A man runs to the doctor and says,“Doctor, you've got to help me.My wife thinks she's a chicken!”The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”“Two years,” says the man.“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.The m
A man runs to the doctor and says,“Doctor, you've got to help me.My wife thinks she's a chicken!”The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”“Two years,” says the man.“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.The m
17.
The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden.She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed.“Why, what's the matter, little lamb?” she asked tenderly.“I'm thinkin, mumy,” the boy a
The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden.She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed.“Why, what's the matter, little lamb?” she asked tenderly.“I'm thinkin, mumy,” the boy a
18.
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company.On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself.The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card,So later he could remember how his
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company.On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself.The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card,So later he could remember how his
19.
A naturopathic doctor opens up a wellness clinicHe puts a sign outside that says ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100.'A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
A naturopathic doctor opens up a wellness clinicHe puts a sign outside that says ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100.'A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
20.
A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce.The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.Walking i
A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce.The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.Walking i
21.
“What a wonderful Easter day! Today, I'm so happy, I'll even be nice to the nuns”, she said.She went out of her room and saw a nun in the hall.– Good morning, Sister Joanna! You look really beautiful today! And that shirt you're knitting is so pretty!– Th
“What a wonderful Easter day! Today, I'm so happy, I'll even be nice to the nuns”, she said.She went out of her room and saw a nun in the hall.– Good morning, Sister Joanna! You look really beautiful today! And that shirt you're knitting is so pretty!– Th
22.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?”
“Well,
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?”
“Well,
23.
Fred was very old, sick, and doctors said he would not l and dying.
There was an elderly man at home in his bed, dying.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen downstairs, and he wanted one last cookie befor
Fred was very old, sick, and doctors said he would not l and dying.
There was an elderly man at home in his bed, dying.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen downstairs, and he wanted one last cookie befor
24.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him wha
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him wha
25.
Mr. and Mrs Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely.
One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”
“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her elde
Mr. and Mrs Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely.
One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”
“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her elde
26.
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth.
An old lady came over and said.
“Son, don’t you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?”
“My grandfather lived t
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth.
An old lady came over and said.
“Son, don’t you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?”
“My grandfather lived t
27.
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: “My father isn’t home, but I know what you want and I can help you.
You want our bull to service your cow.
Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull.”<
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: “My father isn’t home, but I know what you want and I can help you.
You want our bull to service your cow.
Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull.”<
28.
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste,a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”The man replies very sarc
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste,a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”The man replies very sarc
29.
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & beautiful young woman entered.She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked di
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & beautiful young woman entered.She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked di
30.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large carBoth could barely see over the dashboardCruising along, they came to an intersection.The stoplight was red, but they just went on throughThe woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing my mindI s
Two elderly women were out driving in a large carBoth could barely see over the dashboardCruising along, they came to an intersection.The stoplight was red, but they just went on throughThe woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing my mindI s
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Eng Jokes
