1.
An Englishman, an American and a Japanese are doing white water rafting, when all of a sudden they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there.
They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom… Suddenly a genie appears.<
An Englishman, an American and a Japanese are doing white water rafting, when all of a sudden they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there.
They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom… Suddenly a genie appears.<
2.
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.His wife asks, “Do you know her?”“Yes,” sighs the husband.“She's my ex-wife.She took to drinking right after we divorced seven
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.His wife asks, “Do you know her?”“Yes,” sighs the husband.“She's my ex-wife.She took to drinking right after we divorced seven
3.
Please be advised that all members planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.This assessment must also consi
Please be advised that all members planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.This assessment must also consi
4.
Three guys were at deer camp They had to bunk two to a room.No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.The first night, John slept i
Three guys were at deer camp They had to bunk two to a room.No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.The first night, John slept i
5.
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell
6.
Four men went golfing one dayThree of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the billThe three men started talking and bragging about their sonsThe first man told the others, “My son is a home builder, and he i
Four men went golfing one dayThree of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the billThe three men started talking and bragging about their sonsThe first man told the others, “My son is a home builder, and he i
7.
One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room.The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”“I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm nervous,” the second boy says.The first kid
One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room.The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”“I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm nervous,” the second boy says.The first kid
8.
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl h
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl h
9.
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”To that she replies “Well, come here an
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”To that she replies “Well, come here an
10.
A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.
He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he’s never seen before.
“This will look good on my mantel,” he said,
A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.
He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he’s never seen before.
“This will look good on my mantel,” he said,
11.
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women
12.
Dear Mother and Dad:
Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further un
Dear Mother and Dad:
Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further un
13.
After a preacher dies and goes to Heaven, he notices that a New York cab driver has been awarded a higher place.“I don't understand,” he complains to Saint Peter“I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”“Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,
After a preacher dies and goes to Heaven, he notices that a New York cab driver has been awarded a higher place.“I don't understand,” he complains to Saint Peter“I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”“Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,
14.
A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says,“Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?”She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.”So the man walk
A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says,“Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?”She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.”So the man walk
15.
Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store.Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but grandmother said that they had to stop in the ladies clothing department first.He obviously couldn't wait that long, and the next t
Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store.Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but grandmother said that they had to stop in the ladies clothing department first.He obviously couldn't wait that long, and the next t
16.
The pastor stood before the congregation and said;“I have bad news, I have good news, and I have more bad news.”The congregation got quiet.“The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!” the pastor said.The congregation groaned.“The good news is: we have
The pastor stood before the congregation and said;“I have bad news, I have good news, and I have more bad news.”The congregation got quiet.“The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!” the pastor said.The congregation groaned.“The good news is: we have
17.
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire.
The fire was more than the county fire department could handle.
Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Despite some doub
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire.
The fire was more than the county fire department could handle.
Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Despite some doub
18.
“What a wonderful Easter day! Today, I'm so happy, I'll even be nice to the nuns”, she said.She went out of her room and saw a nun in the hall.– Good morning, Sister Joanna! You look really beautiful today! And that shirt you're knitting is so pretty!– Th
“What a wonderful Easter day! Today, I'm so happy, I'll even be nice to the nuns”, she said.She went out of her room and saw a nun in the hall.– Good morning, Sister Joanna! You look really beautiful today! And that shirt you're knitting is so pretty!– Th
19.
A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash.He couldn't believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once!He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower.But as he passed the camera, it flashed agai
A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash.He couldn't believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once!He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower.But as he passed the camera, it flashed agai
20.
Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
“Did you get that for your birthday?” asked Johnny.
“Nope,” replied Jimmy.
“Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”
Again Jimmy said, “Nope.”
“You didn’t steal it, did you?”
Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
“Did you get that for your birthday?” asked Johnny.
“Nope,” replied Jimmy.
“Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”
Again Jimmy said, “Nope.”
“You didn’t steal it, did you?”
21.
He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so he thought he might just as well ask them.“I've got two things for you, but you'll have to decide who gets what. The first thing is the ability to pee standing up…”Adam interrupted, “Oh please
He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so he thought he might just as well ask them.“I've got two things for you, but you'll have to decide who gets what. The first thing is the ability to pee standing up…”Adam interrupted, “Oh please
22.
Two hunters pull up to a house to ask a farmer for permission to hunt his land.
When they pull up, one of the hunters walks up to the house and talks to the farmer.
After the hunter asks the question, the farmer says, “I don’t mind at all, but I hav
Two hunters pull up to a house to ask a farmer for permission to hunt his land.
When they pull up, one of the hunters walks up to the house and talks to the farmer.
After the hunter asks the question, the farmer says, “I don’t mind at all, but I hav
23.
A man walks into the front door of a bar He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drin
A man walks into the front door of a bar He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drin
24.
A call girl standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says,“Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?”The old man said, “But I won't be able to…”C
A call girl standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says,“Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?”The old man said, “But I won't be able to…”C
25.
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellow head for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blu
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellow head for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blu
26.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.
“We know it’s late, sir, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the Mounties.
“T
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.
“We know it’s late, sir, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the Mounties.
“T
27.
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost.Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost.Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly
28.
A Catholic goes to confession. “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” He begins.
“Go on my son.” says the priest. “I swore the other day, in the most profane way.
” says the man. “Continue.” says the priest.
“I was on the golf course and I hit my
A Catholic goes to confession. “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” He begins.
“Go on my son.” says the priest. “I swore the other day, in the most profane way.
” says the man. “Continue.” says the priest.
“I was on the golf course and I hit my
29.
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said “You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?” “Just a minute .. I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She went out
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said “You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?” “Just a minute .. I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She went out
30.
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and sh
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and sh
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Eng Jokes
