🦸‍♂️ Funniest Quotes to Brighten Your Social Media Game

1.



"The only thing I’ve ever successfully made for dinner is reservations."

2.



"If you can’t laugh at your own problems, call me, and I’ll do it for you."

3.



"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."

4.



"Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."

5.



"I’m not short; I’m concentrated awesome."

6.



"I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role, and then I realize I’m not an actor."

7.



"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something."

8.



"My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry."

9.



"I don’t go crazy; I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time."

10.



"I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do, it’s because I missed my exit."

11.



"I accidentally took the wrong medication today, and now I’m speaking fluent sarcasm."

12.



"Why don’t we ever see ads for coffins? Because people aren’t dying to buy them."

13.



"Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until they speak."

14.



"They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye."

15.



"I love my job only when I’m on vacation."

16.



"I used to think I had a photographic memory, but it was never developed."

17.



"If I had a dollar for every smart thing I’ve said, I’d be broke."

18.



"Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts."

19.



"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure."

20.



"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

21.



"I used to work at a calendar factory but got fired for taking a couple of days off."

22.



"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."

23.



"I’m not a hoarder; I’m just really good at finding potential in things."

24.



"The first five days after the weekend are the hardest."

25.



"Some people graduate with honors; I am just honored to graduate."

26.



"Why is it called beauty sleep when you wake up looking like a troll?"

27.



"You’re never too old to learn something stupid."

28.



"I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way."

29.



"I told my suitcase we’re not going on vacation this year. Now it’s all packed with nowhere to go."

30.



"I told my therapist about my fear of overly complicated buildings. She said I need to work on my complex issues."