I told my boss I need a raise - Funny Quotes 10

1.



"I told my boss I need a raise. She said, ‘That’s above my pay grade.’"

2.



"I told my suitcase we’re not going on vacation this year. Now it’s all packed with nowhere to go."

3.



"If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?"

4.



"Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me."

5.



"Life’s too short to be serious all the time, so if you can’t laugh at yourself… call me, and I’ll do it for you."

6.



"I used to think I had a photographic memory, but it was never developed."

7.



"My brain has too many tabs open."

8.



"My cooking is so good, even the smoke alarm cheers me on."

9.



"Life’s not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re probably drunk."

10.



"Life’s too short to wear matching socks."

11.



"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."

12.



"I don’t need a hair stylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."

13.



"Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired."

14.



"I don’t sweat—I sparkle."

15.



"I’m not shy; I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you."

16.



"Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting."

17.



"I don’t need anger management; I need people to stop annoying me."

18.



"Don’t trust atoms; they make up everything."

19.



"I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven."

20.



"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."

21.



"I don’t have a bad handwriting problem; I have a font nobody else can read."

22.



"I have a 6-pack… somewhere under all this pizza."

23.



"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

24.



"I saw a sign that said ‘watch for children,’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’"

25.



"I thought about cleaning my house, but then I thought, ‘What’s the point? It’s just going to get dirty again.’"

26.



"I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way."

27.



"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."

28.



"I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."

29.



"I don’t trip; I do random gravity checks."

30.



"Why did the computer go to the doctor? It caught a virus."