The man picks up, listens for a second Funny Jokes 05

1.

Funny Jokes

The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.“Who was that?” asks his wife.“Wrong number.  It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.”



2.

Funny Jokes

A 6 year-old boy was in the market with his 4 year-old sister. Suddenly the boy found that his sister was lagging behind.
He stopped and looked back. His sister was standing in front of a toy shop and was watching something with great interest.
The



3.

Funny Jokes

The Lion, King of the jungle is having his birthday party!He furiously instructs the leopard to not let anyone inside his party except if they bring meat and if they don't, he must shove whatever meal they brought up their a$s!The leopard, with a smirk on



4.

Funny Jokes

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day



5.

Funny Jokes

David received a parrot for his birthday.The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.Every other word was an obscenity.Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and wa



6.

Funny Jokes

They stop at a gun shop to get all the gear they will need.  The clerk helping them out decided to have a little fun with the newbies.CLERK: Best way to hunt a moose is in one of these female moose costumes.  You both get in it, make a moose mating call,



7.

Funny Jokes

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the fa



8.

Funny Jokes

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan,



9.

Funny Jokes

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
“But



10.

Funny Jokes

Nasrudin is walking past a cave when he sees a yogi, deep in meditation, and he asks the yogi what he is searching forThe yogi says:‘I study the animals and have learned many lessons from them that can transform a man's life.'‘A fish once saved my life,'



11.

Funny Jokes

Nickname
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,



12.

Funny Jokes

One night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plantIn the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around.When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the c



13.

Funny Jokes

The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, “Honey, are you feeling all right?” “Not really,” she replied.
“I’m nauseated from sitting backward on the train.



14.

Funny Jokes

A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’
So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’ “In



15.

Funny Jokes

Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a minor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her superiors, Miss Manners, that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until she could spank him no more for physical fatig



16.

Funny Jokes

The phone rings at the local police station.
“Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house.
Th



17.

Funny Jokes

As MrSmith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.MrSmith told them, “I'm



18.

Funny Jokes

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughingConfused, he asks them why they're happy.They tell him, “Well, it's been bitterly cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty.”Satan, annoyed, st



19.

Funny Jokes

A lady was at work when she heard her new message alert tone blazing.Looking at the phone, she realized that it was from her husband.She went on and opened the message to read it after which she got annoyed.The message read,‘Hie honey, your brother fell d



20.

Funny Jokes

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.Then they heard voices.Three men had broken into the greenhouse.Scared, they called the police.The dispatcher replied, he wo



21.

Funny Jokes

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.Suddenly, the plane developed engine troubleIn spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.Finally, the pilot grabbed a



22.

Funny Jokes

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.She wanted to make sure that the c



23.

Funny Jokes

Hi Men's Helpline,I really need your advice on a serious problem:I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.I try to stay



24.

Funny Jokes

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and l



25.

Funny Jokes

Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.With a silent



26.

Funny Jokes

One of them is extremely smart, one is average, and one is extremely stupid.One day, it is the extremely smart one's turn to catch and cook dinner.  He goes out and comes back with a bear.The other two are astounded and ask, “How did you catch this bear?”



27.

Funny Jokes

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down.She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door.When the farmer answers, she says to him,“My car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night unti



28.

Funny Jokes

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day.”The professor says “I'll be an elementary school teacherWhat can be so hard abo



29.

Funny Jokes

After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.
He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a s



30.

Funny Jokes

An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claimThis was the response:“I put ‘poor planning' as the cause of my accidentI am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot tower.When I



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