1.
I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.
I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.
2.
My wallet is so empty, it echoes.
My wallet is so empty, it echoes.
3.
I wanted to be a stand-up comedian, but I’m afraid of falling over.
I wanted to be a stand-up comedian, but I’m afraid of falling over.
4.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
5.
Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
6.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
7.
Don’t trust a math teacher who’s afraid of fractions.
Don’t trust a math teacher who’s afraid of fractions.
8.
I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
9.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
10.
I told my suitcase we wouldn’t be traveling this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
I told my suitcase we wouldn’t be traveling this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
11.
I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kats.
I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kats.
12.
My dog is my therapist. He listens and doesn’t charge me a cent.
My dog is my therapist. He listens and doesn’t charge me a cent.
13.
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
14.
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
15.
I have a photographic memory, but it never developed.
I have a photographic memory, but it never developed.
16.
I tried to catch fog yesterday. I mist.
I tried to catch fog yesterday. I mist.
17.
I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, They’re right behind you.
I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, They’re right behind you.
18.
I told my dog a joke about fetching. He didn’t get it.
I told my dog a joke about fetching. He didn’t get it.
19.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
20.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
21.
Why don’t cows tell secrets? Because they’ll spill the beans.
Why don’t cows tell secrets? Because they’ll spill the beans.
22.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
23.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
24.
Some people graduate with honors; I am just honored to graduate.
Some people graduate with honors; I am just honored to graduate.
25.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
26.
I am on a 30-day diet. So far, I have lost 15 days.
I am on a 30-day diet. So far, I have lost 15 days.
27.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.
28.
My computer had too many bugs, so I started feeding it antivirus.
My computer had too many bugs, so I started feeding it antivirus.
29.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
30.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
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new year quotes
