1.
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. “This place is great, isn’t it?” he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger’s remark, replies, “
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. “This place is great, isn’t it?” he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger’s remark, replies, “
2.
The old beady-eyed moderator in charge of the classroom stared towards the clock at the end of the room as the students furiously scribbled down the remainder of their answers, knowing that time was almost up.Minutes later, the clock struck a new hour and
The old beady-eyed moderator in charge of the classroom stared towards the clock at the end of the room as the students furiously scribbled down the remainder of their answers, knowing that time was almost up.Minutes later, the clock struck a new hour and
3.
Woman: “Do you drink beer?”Man: “Yes.”Woman: “How many beers a day?”Man: “Usually about three”Woman: “How much do you pay per beer?”Man: “Five dollars, which includes a tip.” (This is where it gets scary!)Woman: “And how long have you been drinking?”Man:
Woman: “Do you drink beer?”Man: “Yes.”Woman: “How many beers a day?”Man: “Usually about three”Woman: “How much do you pay per beer?”Man: “Five dollars, which includes a tip.” (This is where it gets scary!)Woman: “And how long have you been drinking?”Man:
4.
Unfortunately the bus got cancelled, so he had to call a cab.While sitting in the cab, he noticed that the driver missed a turn in an intersection.The man carefully tapped the driver on his shoulder and said, “Sorry Sir, but…”The driver screamed, “AAAAAAH
Unfortunately the bus got cancelled, so he had to call a cab.While sitting in the cab, he noticed that the driver missed a turn in an intersection.The man carefully tapped the driver on his shoulder and said, “Sorry Sir, but…”The driver screamed, “AAAAAAH
5.
She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.Her husband suggested, “Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms thatare growing wild down by the stream? No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous.”“W
She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.Her husband suggested, “Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms thatare growing wild down by the stream? No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous.”“W
6.
For the umpteenth time MrsJones told her pastor,“I'm so scared! My husband says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church.”“Yes, yes, my child,” replied the pastor, tired of hearing this before.“I will continue to pray for you, MrsJonesHa
For the umpteenth time MrsJones told her pastor,“I'm so scared! My husband says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church.”“Yes, yes, my child,” replied the pastor, tired of hearing this before.“I will continue to pray for you, MrsJonesHa
7.
My uncle Jim is getting older, and he’s having trouble with his memory.
So he went to his doctor, and he started taking these pills to help his memory.
“Hey Uncle Jim,” I said, “what are those memory pills you’re taking called?” “Ahhhh…um….hmmm” he
My uncle Jim is getting older, and he’s having trouble with his memory.
So he went to his doctor, and he started taking these pills to help his memory.
“Hey Uncle Jim,” I said, “what are those memory pills you’re taking called?” “Ahhhh…um….hmmm” he
8.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.The man says, “I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich.“What's yours?” “I'll have the same,” sa
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.The man says, “I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich.“What's yours?” “I'll have the same,” sa
9.
A guy rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a
A guy rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a
10.
The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”He didn't see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.The second brother married a
The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”He didn't see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.The second brother married a
11.
“I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”The old rancher says, “Okay, but don't go in that field over there.”The agent verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”Reaching into his rear pant p
“I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”The old rancher says, “Okay, but don't go in that field over there.”The agent verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”Reaching into his rear pant p
12.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Milwaukee.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John notice
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Milwaukee.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John notice
13.
A rich man comes home and immediately starts shouting at his wife.
“I’ve been looking at our expenses and they are through the roof! What have you got so much to spend on? From now on, things will need to be different!” “Different how?” the wife asked.
A rich man comes home and immediately starts shouting at his wife.
“I’ve been looking at our expenses and they are through the roof! What have you got so much to spend on? From now on, things will need to be different!” “Different how?” the wife asked.
14.
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two pil
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two pil
15.
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computersHe dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered: “Hello?”Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computersHe dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered: “Hello?”Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having
16.
Einstein Had To Speak At An Important Science ConferenceOn the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:“I'm sick of all these conferencesI always say the same things over and over!”The driver agrees: “You're rightAs your driver, I attende
Einstein Had To Speak At An Important Science ConferenceOn the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:“I'm sick of all these conferencesI always say the same things over and over!”The driver agrees: “You're rightAs your driver, I attende
17.
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:“What would you like, sir?”
He l
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:“What would you like, sir?”
He l
18.
A man passed a shop, where he saw a sign, “Magic Vulture for Sale”.
Curious, the man walked into the shop and asked about the bird.
The salesman replied, “This vulture has special powers.
Whenever you go shopping, bring it along, and the cashier
A man passed a shop, where he saw a sign, “Magic Vulture for Sale”.
Curious, the man walked into the shop and asked about the bird.
The salesman replied, “This vulture has special powers.
Whenever you go shopping, bring it along, and the cashier
19.
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.In a very deep, husky v
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.In a very deep, husky v
20.
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.It's after midnightWhile en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.For $100, the cabby agrees.Quietly arr
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.It's after midnightWhile en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.For $100, the cabby agrees.Quietly arr
21.
An older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring.She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said, “Hello, I'm a Jehovah's Witness, do you have a moment to discuss
An older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring.She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said, “Hello, I'm a Jehovah's Witness, do you have a moment to discuss
22.
An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store with her espresso when she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind th
An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store with her espresso when she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind th
23.
I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counterwith a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.“I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?” I asked.The waitress responded proudly, “I'm self-absorbed
I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counterwith a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.“I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?” I asked.The waitress responded proudly, “I'm self-absorbed
24.
The librarian handed the chicken a book and the bird left.Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, tossed the book on the desk and said: ‘book, book, book, book'.The librarian handed the chicken a different book and the chicken left.Ten minutes later, the
The librarian handed the chicken a book and the bird left.Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, tossed the book on the desk and said: ‘book, book, book, book'.The librarian handed the chicken a different book and the chicken left.Ten minutes later, the
25.
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began re
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began re
26.
Fred was very old, sick, and doctors said he would not l and dying.
There was an elderly man at home in his bed, dying.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen downstairs, and he wanted one last cookie befor
Fred was very old, sick, and doctors said he would not l and dying.
There was an elderly man at home in his bed, dying.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen downstairs, and he wanted one last cookie befor
27.
… and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.“Woah woah woah… what gives?!”, the man says.The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.“I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and fo
… and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.“Woah woah woah… what gives?!”, the man says.The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.“I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and fo
28.
A group of male friends, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again d
A group of male friends, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again d
29.
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller,
“I want to open a f***kng account here.” The astonished woman replies,
“I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”
The woman leaves the window & goes ov
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller,
“I want to open a f***kng account here.” The astonished woman replies,
“I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”
The woman leaves the window & goes ov
30.
Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early.
He’s happy to see that she’s still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let’s himself through the front door, goes up
Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early.
He’s happy to see that she’s still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let’s himself through the front door, goes up
Tags:
Eng Jokes
