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Funny Quotes
“I donāt need a motivational quote. I need coffee.”
“Why donāt skeletons fight? Because they donāt have the guts.”
“My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.”
“Iām not arguing; Iām just explaining why Iām right.”
“A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.”
“I used to work at a calendar factory but got fired for taking a couple of days off.”
“A day without laughter is a day wasted, but a day without coffee is even worse.”
“I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted paychecks.”
“You donāt have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.”
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
“Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but she is a mother, and we should respect her.”
“Why donāt sharks like fast food? Because they canāt catch it.”
“Iām not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
“I donāt go crazy; I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.”
“I thought I hit rock bottom, but then someone handed me a shovel.”
“Dogs have owners, but cats have staff.”
“I told myself I should stop drinking, but Iām not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself.”
“Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me.”
“I saw a sign that said āwatch for children,ā and I thought, āThat sounds like a fair trade.ā”
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
“If we shouldnāt eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?”
“I donāt need anger management; I need people to stop annoying me.”
“Iām on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.”
“I told my cat to stop being lazy. He said, āMeowt of my business.ā”
“Iād agree with you, but then weād both be wrong.”
“Iām reading a book about anti-gravity. Itās impossible to put down.”
“Why donāt we ever see ads for coffins? Because people arenāt dying to buy them.”
“I can resist everything except temptation.”
“Iām not lazy; Iām just very energy efficient.”
“I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”
“I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role, and then I realize Iām not an actor.”
“I told my kids I wanted to be cremated. They made me an urn in art class.”
“Lifeās not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, youāre probably drunk.”
“I tried to make my dog stop chasing his tail, but he just kept getting around it.”
“I have a fear of speed bumps, but Iām slowly getting over it.”
“Iām not clumsy. Itās just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”
“Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!”
“Why do we call them apartments when theyāre all stuck together?”
“When nothing goes right, go left.”
“I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.”
“Iām not a morning person or a night owl. Iām just permanently exhausted.”
“Marriage is just texting each other, ‘Do we need anything from the store?’ until one of you dies.”
“Iām not saying Iām Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?”
“Iām not lazy; Iām just on energy-saving mode.”
“Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns donāt work.”
“Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, theyād be bagels.”
“I donāt have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long.”
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.”
“I thought about cleaning my house, but then I thought, āWhatās the point? Itās just going to get dirty again.ā”
“Donāt give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.”
“Why donāt eggs tell jokes? Theyād crack each other up.”
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
“Youāre never too old to learn something stupid.”
“Donāt trust atoms; they make up everything.”
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of car payments.”
“I told my suitcase weāre not going on vacation this year. Now itās all packed with nowhere to go.”
“The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.”
“I may be wrong, but I doubt it.”
“Iām great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.”
“I know the voices in my head arenāt real, but they have some great ideas.”
“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
“I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.”
“Iām not shy; Iām just holding back my awesomeness so I donāt intimidate you.”
“I thought growing up would take longer.”
“If Cinderellaās shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?”
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now Iām not sure.”
“Iām not a complete idiotāsome pieces are missing.”
“They say laughter is the best medicine, but have you tried chocolate?”
“Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate.”
“If I had a dollar for every smart thing Iāve said, Iād be broke.”
“Iāve learned so much from my mistakes, Iām thinking of making more.”
“I donāt snore. I dream Iām a motorcycle.”
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my lifeā¦ unless I buy something.”
“Chocolate doesnāt ask questions. Chocolate understands.”
“I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.”
“I named my dog āFive Miles,ā so I can tell people I walk five miles every day.”
“I donāt make mistakes; I create learning opportunities.”
“I donāt sweatāI sparkle.”
“I tried to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.”
“Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.”
“My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.”
“Why donāt skeletons fight each other? They donāt have the guts.”
“Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.”
“A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.”
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, so she hugged me.”
“I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.”
“Iām not procrastinating. Iām proactively delaying the inevitable.”
“Donāt you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.”
“Why is it called beauty sleep when you wake up looking like a troll?”
“I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.”
“Donāt worry if plan A fails; there are 25 more letters.”
“Why donāt scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!”
“Some people graduate with honors; I am just honored to graduate.”
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. They wonāt expect it back.”
“I made a huge to-do list for today. I just canāt figure out whoās going to do it.”
“I canāt adult today. Please donāt make me adult.”
“I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, āTheyāre right behind you.ā”
“The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!”
“If at first you donāt succeed, then skydiving definitely isnāt for you.”
“Iām not bossy; I just know what you should be doing.”
“The elevator to success is broken; youāll have to take the stairs.”
“Lifeās too short to wear matching socks.”
“I put my scale in the corner because it was giving me bad news.”
“Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.”
“I didnāt fall; the floor just needed a hug.”
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
“I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up: younger.”
“I never forget a faceābut in your case, Iāll make an exception.”
“I told my therapist about my fear of overly complicated buildings. She said I need to work on my complex issues.”
“Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!”
“I donāt have a bad handwriting problem; I have a font nobody else can read.”
“Iām not addicted to coffee. Weāre just in a committed relationship.”
“I donāt go crazy; I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.”
“Iād like to thank my arms for always being by my side.”
“I told my boss I need a raise. She said, āThatās above my pay grade.ā”
“Iām not arguing; Iām just explaining why Iām right.”
“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.”
“Iāve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.”
“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”
“The only thing Iāve ever successfully made for dinner is reservations.”
“I donāt trust stairs because theyāre always up to something.”
“My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. Itās called lunch.”
“I donāt need a hair stylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
“If you canāt laugh at your own problems, call me, and Iāll do it for you.”
“My brain has too many tabs open.”
“I have a 6-packā¦ somewhere under all this pizza.”
“I donāt suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.”
“Being an adult is just walking around wondering what youāre forgetting.”
“Why donāt crabs give to charity? Because theyāre shellfish.”
“I told my plants to grow, and now theyāre grounded for not listening.”
“I canāt believe I forgot to go to the gym today. Thatās seven years in a row now.”
“I have nothing against sleep. Itās the waking up part I canāt stand.”
“If at first you donāt succeed, redefine success.”
“If stress burned calories, Iād be a supermodel.”
“A day without laughter is a day wasted, but so is a day without pizza.”
“Why did the computer go to the doctor? It caught a virus.”
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
“Iām not lazy; Iām just highly motivated to do nothing.”
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now Iām not so sure.”
“Iām not overweight; Iām just under-tall.”
“Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.”
“I wish everything was as easy as getting fat.”
“They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.”
“They say ādonāt try this at home,ā so Iām coming over to your house to try it.”
“Iām on cloud wine.”
“Iām so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.”
“I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.”
“Some people wake up looking like a million bucks. I wake up looking like loose change.”
“Iām on a whiskey diet. Iāve lost three days already.”
“My cooking is so good, even the smoke alarm cheers me on.”
“Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.”
“Lifeās too short to fold fitted sheets.”
“Why donāt we ever see baby pigeons? Conspiracy?”
“Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.”
“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”
“Iām not a morning person. Iām barely an afternoon person.”
“I told my computer I needed a break, and now it wonāt stop sending me KitKats.”
“Itās funny how nobody notices what you do until you donāt do it.”
“Iām not short; Iām concentrated awesome.”
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case thereās cheesecake.”
“I need six months of vacation, twice a year.”
“I run on caffeine, chaos, and inappropriate humor.”
“I always say āmorningā instead of āgood morning,ā because if it was a good morning, Iād still be in bed.”
“I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.”
“I thought about losing weight, but I donāt like losing.”
“Wine doesnāt solve problems, but neither does water.”
“My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people donāt think Iām dead.”
“Parallel lines have so much in common. Itās a shame theyāll never meet.”
“I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.”
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.”
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
“I like long walks, especially when theyāre taken by people who annoy me.”
“I tried to be a baker, but I couldnāt make enough dough.”
“Thereās no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.”
“Lifeās too short to be serious all the time, so if you canāt laugh at yourselfā¦ call me, and Iāll do it for you.”
“Why donāt oysters donate to charity? Because theyāre shellfish.”
“Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.”
“I donāt always go the extra mile, but when I do, itās because I missed my exit.”
“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
“Iām not a hoarder; Iām just really good at finding potential in things.”
“I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.”
“Iām not lazy; Iām on power-saving mode.”
“Iām on a 30-day diet. So far, Iāve lost 15 days.”
“My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. Itās called lunch.”
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Iām not clumsy; the floor hates me, and the walls are bullies.”
“Iād tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldnāt get a reaction.”
“Light travels faster than sound. Thatās why some people appear bright until they speak.”
“I used to think I had a photographic memory, but it was never developed.”
“I donāt trip; I do random gravity checks.”
“Iām not lazy. Iām just very relaxed.”
“I didnāt trip; I was just testing gravity.”
“I put the āproā in procrastination.”
“I put my phone on airplane mode, but itās not flying!”
“I love my job only when Iām on vacation.”
“I wanted to lose weight, but then I discovered cupcakes.”
“I accidentally took the wrong medication today, and now Iām speaking fluent sarcasm.”
“Thereās no āIā in denial.”
“Iād quit coffee, but Iām not a quitter.”
“Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? Theyāre a little shady.”